I don’t need anyone to read what I say. In fact, its better that way. I just need to get it out of my head.
I cant help but want to leave him all the time. He’s perfect. Too perfect for me. I wish I could love him the way he deserves and instead I become an escort because I want to give him the world. even if that means selling my body
It feels like July 28th 2017 all over again… I regret telling you I slept with someone else. I regret opening my mouth to tell you something so damn hurtful to your ears… to your heart.
I find myself confused about it all… about how to feel, or think, or even act.
I know I don’t know anything about how to make a relationship work. And I know that cheating is wrong. What I don’t know is why I did it… why i allowed someone so terrible to violate the most beautiful and private part of my body. What I don’t understand is why I didn’t tell you sooner. Why I waited 7 months to tell you. I’m sorry…
I can’t believe I’m still devastated by a mistake that happened a year and a half ago. I look at you and it makes me wonder if I really love you. I mean, how could I’ve let my body be with someone else if my heart and mind were with you? I thought I loved you then and now I see I didnt.
I don’t want life to go on for 40 years and then I think back and realize that I don’t love you now either. I want to love you now. I wanted to love you then. Why can’t I? You’re so good to me. Most of the time anyway.
I fear that no one else will love me unconditionally like you do. That no one will accept me with a child and all my mental baggage. Maybe that’s why I stay with you… maybe that’s why I keep fighting myself to make my heart love you.
Or maybe I do love you and it’s just no more butterflies and fireworks in my stomach when I look at you. Maybe all that’s temporary and my love for you has grown immensely and I can’t even notice because I’m so focused on fixing every stupid and life sucking wrongness that resides in my existence.
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to stop my fixing insanity to just be happy with you… I think I can. I think that if I’m determined to make you happy, I could. I’m just so scared to become someone I can’t recognize just because you’re filling my body with love and I don’t know how to react to it but to push it away. I don’t reject your love, I reject my lack of love.
I wish I could explain you better but I can’t because I can’t even explain myself this things.
All I want is to stop feeling so bad for a mistake that happened so long ago. I want to be able to let it go and forgive myself but I can’t because it was so terrible. It was something I never thought I would be able to do because it hurt so much when someone did it to me.
I can’t let my self love you completely because I don’t even know how to love myself. I don’t know how to allow love in or how to give it, my actions can clearly show you.
To be completely honest, all I know is that I love you more than I can understand and that confuses me.
Have you ever been so stuck that you can’t think or breath or even feel anything at all?
seven billion people on this planet and i have 2 friends
